It’s me. I’m my biggest critic. For as long as I can remember I have been so hard on myself:
Why do you always forget peoples’ names??
Why can’t you just get the writing done? You are so lazy!
Why is your desk so messy again already?? How hard is it to be organised?!
How could you forget it’s the kids’ casual day at school again?? You are seriously the worst mother ever, why would you have 4 kids? Get your shit together!
How could you forget your best friends birthday?? You are so self obsessed.
These are just a few of the harsh conversations I have had with myself. Always trying to will myself to do better. Always failing. Always feeling ashamed of myself. A never ending cycle of verbal abuse perpetuated by me. Just chipping away, constantly, in the background of my mind. It’s brutal. It’s soul destroying. It’s exhausting.
When I first realised that I had ADHD (with the help of an incredible psychologist initially) I felt immense shame. The psych helped me challenge this though. This shame was coming from my own bias and ignorance about ADHD. Up to that point, ADHD was something young boys had, bouncing off the walls at school, unable to sit still or be quiet. They were never going to amount to anything. They never paid attention or learnt anything in school. My immediate thought was I would have to quit my job. Someone with ADHD canNOT do that job! Since then I’ve done a lot of (hyper focussed) research, and see how different ADHD can look in a woman. I’ve noticed a growing acceptance of myself. Now when I miss an important event, or find it hard to focus on something I need to do, I recognise it might just be because how my brain is wired. So instead of berating myself, willing myself to do it like someone I’m not, I now just think about how I might be able to achieve what it is I’m wanting, which may mean doing it differently. Doing it in a way that makes sense to me. In a way that works for me. And that’s ok. I’m OK. I’m just me.